“The guys worth dating aren’t hanging out in bars”, they said. “The guys worth dating are on-line now.” That’s how the story went.
The logic here is that the guys who are well read, have good jobs and own their homes are responsible enough to know that staying out and drinking throughout the week isn’t a reasonable way to invest their time or money. Generally speaking I buy that statement. In fact, I bought that statement – hook, line and sinker.
I’ve been ‘on-line’ for nine years and this year I’ve come to realize that in the 3276 days that I’ve been on-line, I’ve met eight men with whom I’ve formed friendships. Of those eight, four have remained in contact and two of them would be considered life-long friends.
Scores, perhaps hundreds of men have chatted me up using various techniques to garner my attention. Some use full sentences and engage in dialogue. Others use one or two-word statements meant to arouse – and not necessarily the brain. In some cases I’ve carried on meaningless dialogue for years with men I’ve never met.
The challenge over the past nine years has been in actually meeting these men. I find few are willing to push aside the keyboard for the sake of a face-to-face meeting. Almost all of the on-line profiles make statements with regards to “looking to meet…”, “tired of the scene…”, or something of that genre. It seems, however, that the chat rooms and web sites may have replaced inter-personal, three-dimensional meetings.
Not long ago I web-surfed into a guy on-line who happens to live three doors down. We’d been chatting for some time when we realized this so I invited him over to continue the conversation. He declined the invitation. I don’t get that. Under the anonymity of a chat room he’s willing to continue a virtual dialogue, yet in person he evaporates.
The logic here is that one may not understand another’s intentions after just one chat session. I’ve seen him on line multiple times since, we’ve chatted further, we’re neighbors, but we never meet. Other gay neighbors with whom I’ve chatted on-line have declined invitations for martini parties, summer-time patio brunches, impromptu dinner invitations and/or bike rides through the city.
It appears as if on-line chat has isolated and incapacitated gay men from participating in developing meaningful (and actual) friendships with one another. Face to face meetings appear to no longer be the goal. Rather, anonymous chat seems to be the ultimate goal. We’ve relegated ourselves to postage-stamp sized images of one another that flash across our computer screens and include the same old statements of sexual innuendo rather than sitting on our front porches and talking to one another.
Understand that I live in this glass house and I am throwing stones – trying to break out from inside.
Last year I met more men than ever thanks to FaceBook and Twitter, many of whom were my neighbors. After recognizing that we had something in common, be it the proximity of our residences, mutual acquaintances or common interests, we found time to get together for coffee, dinner or just to hang out by the back yard fire pit. Interestingly enough, all of these men are straight.
With these men I can have conversations about the books we’re reading, the projects with which we’re involved and just about any political or social topic of consequence. This is not the case with my gay brethren.
Now its said that the best way to meet quality men is to get involved in something with which you’re passionate. I’ve taken this route as well. I’m involved with a variety of projects and events around town from co-working to social media to public radio and public transportation. And from this wide range of activities, I’ve not met one gay man. Meeting a gay man isn’t the primary goal in these endeavors – but I find it interesting to note that, generally speaking, gay men are absent from these activities.
Could it be gay men are now isolating themselves from social involvement because they’re waiting for someone new or interesting to pop into their on-line chat room? Refresh the page and wait. In the mean time, the world is happening – events are taking place, our world is being reshaped and it is next to impossible to meet a gay man with whom I can have an engaging and thought provoking conversation.
Ironically I’ve recently met a man via an on-line portal with whom I speak (and/or write) every day. We’ve met, not because it was easy – he lives in Chicago, but because we both have the desire to engage with someone who can enjoy an hour long conversation about something unique and interesting.
In addition to meeting, we’ve mailed books and newspaper articles back and forth to one another – Jennifer Vanesco’s syndicated column is one we both enjoy. Rex Wockner’s blog is another that we discuss. We challenge our vocabularies with e-mailed words of the day and expose one another to new authors, films and directors.
It’s completely possible that we would have never met had it not been for the on-line experience. In fact, it’s highly improbable. So indeed chat rooms can be a means toward an end – but with the worthwhile end is a meaningful personal interaction. Still both of us struggle to find quality gay friends who care about caring for one another, nurturing one another and helping one another achieve more within our lives.
What we ponder often, however, is how gay men are going to continue with their efforts for equality when they fail to participate in anything other than the pursuit of virtual chat buddies that they have no intention of interacting with beyond the strokes of a keyboard.
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